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Truth

Today I hit a road block... Our sons birthday is less than a month away and he would of been a year old. That's right, 1 YEAR OLD... Memories fill my heart. Every day I think about him. Every day I think about the life he is living in heaven and that one day we will be together again. We will all be together again. The truth is.. Life is going to tug and pull at you and knock you down. Sometimes life will even kick you so hard that you feel like you can't stand. Let's be really honest though, life is not just a nice walk in the park, or a beautiful morning on the beach enjoying the sunrise. In life you gain scars that never completely disappear, they are a constant reminder of that one time you either:  1. Had a massive surgery that changed your life forever 2. Did something stupid when you were young, care-free, reckless or 3. That time you just got burnt with the pizza oven (yes, that happened) Either way. Big or small. Nothing takes away that scar. It may b
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Recent posts

Mother's Day

Mother's Day isn't just a day to celebrate moms. It's a day to celebrate children. The morning of Mother's Day, I remember waking up, lying in bed next to my husband and immediately I started thinking about our son Maddox and the little boy inside me that would soon make his arrival and also my bonus daughter. I thought about all the gifts that God has given me and it gave me strength. I held it together for a little while. I got out of bed, fed the dogs, and grabbed a drink of water. As I was walking to the bathroom to hop in the shower, tears started rolling down my face. Being a mom is a wonderful gift. Not being able to spend Mother's Day with your babies though is heart wrenching. While I was standing in the shower, I thought about the first time I saw Maddox and the emotions, feelings, and love that I felt. It's a feeling unlike anything in the entire world. I have never loved anyone or anything, more than I love our son. I wanted more than anything to
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Faith Over Fear

How do you hold onto faith after loss? After we lost our son, I blamed myself for everything that happened. I blamed myself that our sweet boy didn't get the long, healthy, happy life that he deserved. I blamed myself because he was the one who was sick and there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it. I blamed myself for a while because I thought that maybe there was something that I should have done differently throughout my pregnancy, when in reality it wasn't anything that I did. God has a plan before anything ever happens. Maddox wasn't just our son, he was our angel, he was sent to us because God knew we needed him. He taught us to love harder, not to let life pass us by, to always say I love you, to cherish every moment, and that life can change in a second. For a while, I told myself that I couldn't have anymore children, even though I really wanted more. I didn't want to have to face the unknown. I had lost my faith, just for a second, bu
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Stormy Weather

I promise you, storms don't last forever. I think about this phrase often. If it were still 2016 I would tell you that you are nuts if you really think the storm that my family and I were going through at the time wasn't going to last forever. But it didn't last forever. Trust me when I say, there is always going to be a rainy day, a hail storm, thunder, lightning, maybe even a tornado; but it won't last. Rain will come and go just like the sunshine does. Learning to get yourself through it is what's really important. Every day since our sons passing I have: cried, prayed, begged, hoped, and wished that something could have been different. Every day I have different unanswered questions. Every day I think about our daughter who's had to try to understand why her baby brother was taken so early and every day I think about the next baby, will they be okay? The truth is though, we can't be "stuck" in the storm. We can't be chained down. T
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The Little Fights

Don't waste your time on stupid little fights. You know the kind of fights I'm talking about too. The times you get mad because your husband didn't put the toilet seat down, or his clothes are all over the bedroom floor, or he didn't rinse off his plate and put it in the EMPTY dishwasher. I mean why do we fight about those things again? Why do we even use the energy to tell them when your upset about something so little when you can just take care of  it? Are fights really that worth it? Isn't there something bigger?  After our son was born, we both began to realize all of the stupid little things we argued about were so small compared to what we were going through, what our son was going through. There's so many bigger things. Why are we so worried about the little issues that can easily be resolved? I never did fully figure that out.  Honestly, I think it's because a lot of times people let BIG things build and build and build and then all of a sudden a tr
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July 15th

Do you know that feeling you get as a parent? You know exactly when something is wrong? The morning of July 15th, I had just that feeling. My heart sank, my voice shook, I was absolutely terrified. I was 31 weeks, 6 days pregnant with my first baby. A baby boy. When I was little, I dealt with a lot of health problems, had multiple tests done and was diagnosed with several different stomach disorders. I was also told that the chance of me ever getting pregnant when I got old enough, was very slim. Then I met a man that I fell head over heels for and we became pregnant. I was so excited. Maddox was a miracle. Lets face it, all babies are miracles. The day he was born I went to the Dr.'s office to get monitored and have an ultrasound because I hadn't been feeling our son move for a while and I knew that something had to be wrong. Not long after having some tests done at the Dr.'s office, I was sent to labor and delivery where the Dr. made the decision to do an emergency c-
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