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Faith Over Fear



How do you hold onto faith after loss?

After we lost our son, I blamed myself for everything that happened. I blamed myself that our sweet boy didn't get the long, healthy, happy life that he deserved. I blamed myself because he was the one who was sick and there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it. I blamed myself for a while because I thought that maybe there was something that I should have done differently throughout my pregnancy, when in reality it wasn't anything that I did.

God has a plan before anything ever happens. Maddox wasn't just our son, he was our angel, he was sent to us because God knew we needed him. He taught us to love harder, not to let life pass us by, to always say I love you, to cherish every moment, and that life can change in a second.

For a while, I told myself that I couldn't have anymore children, even though I really wanted more. I didn't want to have to face the unknown. I had lost my faith, just for a second, but I had lost it. I was so angry.

As the days passed though, I realized that it wasn't God's fault. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. I miss our baby every day, but I know that he will always be with us each and every day. I also remembered something that our son taught me: "you can't let life pass you by." In that moment, I realized that I couldn't fear God's plan. I had to hold on to the faith that I had deep in my heart and give my life all that I have to give. That was the moment that I decided I definitely wanted to try having another baby, no matter what the risk or the outcome. I was going to have faith and hope and I was going to give it all I have.

15 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby and I have loved every minute of it. Our baby has been doing great and in every ultrasound is super active! Believe me I am scared. I'm scared because I know how quickly things can change, but I have faith. I know that baby J.'s brother Maddox is looking over us and the baby every single day. I also know that I can't worry every second and that I just have to let life run its course.

It's okay to be scared. It's okay not to believe. It's okay not to have faith. BUT don't let it last forever. DON'T let life pass you by and DON'T be afraid to try again if things don't go as planned. We can't live in fear. Believe me I know it's hard. I question things every day. I wonder what will happen. But I can't be afraid to take the next step and neither can you. Don't give up. I'll be here on this journey with you.

Love to you all.

Jaime

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